Second Installment of Should Obama Stay
Domestic Bliss
What of the President's performance on the domestic front? Let's see, he's sued Arizona for having the temerity to try and protect itself from the violence caused by the flood of illegal aliens across the border. Oops! Did I say "illegal"? I meant, "Future Voters". But let's be fair. If the President secures our border, where will administration members get their house keepers and gardeners without having to pay the social security tax on their wages? You don't expect them to make their own beds, do you? At least, undocumented workers now know they have a job and a political party waiting for them.
Of course, the recent Supreme Court ruling struck down Arizona's immigration law accept for the most important part. Police may ask for a person's immigration status. What to do, what to do? This places an unacceptable burden on law enforcement in Arizona. They have enough to do, what with issuing parking tickets, hassling good American minorities, organizing the Policeman's Ball. Well, you get the idea. Not to worry, the administration has once again come to the rescue of the citizens of Arizona. Don't bother with all that checking on immigration status. The federal government won't deport them anyway. So, let's throw our uninvited guests a barbeque and tell Governor Brewer, "Thanks for the ole college try."
What a marvelous idea. The executive branch will simply choose to not enforce U.S. immigration law. Make no mistake; the President has the right to use discretion when it comes to allocating resources to deal with problems. Especially when he thinks ignoring his responsibilities will benefit him politically. Come to think of it, there are a few U.S. statutes I think I don't have the resources to deal with. I'll just tell the IRS I can't file my return anymore. I have other, more pressing needs for my limited resources. The Treasury and U.S. aid to Palestine will just have to do without me. Remember the Palestinians? The people who came to our assistance after the 9/11 attacks by dancing in the streets? Thanks for cheering us Palestinians, you guys are the best. Why Israel got to be so mean? Anyway, that should really help the SC economy. Thanks Mr. President; think globally, act locally.
The administration has sued various states for trying to prevent voter fraud; the nerve of those racist bastards for giving away free ID voter cards. Don't they know that minorities are incapable of dealing with anything so complicated? Thank goodness, Eric Holder understands that minorities are incapable of things as simple as crossing the street. That's why the birth rate out of wedlock has skyrocketed; they don't know how to apply for a marriage license. Oh, the humanity!
Apparently minorities must be pretty hard to insult. Honestly, don't some members of minority groups in this country find this just a little insulting? Apparently, they are only overly sensitive with Republicans.
When elected in 2008, the President had a "super" majority. This meant he had the political capital to save us from the economic disaster created by the government. Bush left him the TARP program to deal with the financial institutions so it is fair to say that the program was not Mr. Obama's idea. However, it is a good thing Bush didn't want a thank you. I would hate to think of him sitting around the phone waiting to hear from Mr. Obama. (Note Mr. Clooney, my manners in addressing the President)
The free enterprise system that created the greatest national wealth the world has ever seen was in peril. The banks (under federal mismanagement) found their subprime mortgages in default. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac needed billions just to prevent the home mortgage industry from going under. Taxpayers (that's us 99%, in case you haven't noticed over there on the left) are on the hook for all of it; Thanks Barney, thanks Chris.
It was all coming unraveled. Cutting taxes, slashing regulations, requiring banks use TARP to refinance loans, create new loans, remove the onerous burden of the federal government off the back of our economic camel would allow the crisis to bottom out and restart growth. All this was within the Presidents power.
No! That's just what we would expect him to do. Obama is far too clever for that.
Now, I'm forgetting something... I know it was kind of important... I'm sorry, it just is not coming to me. I've got to see a doctor about my memory lapses, but my copay is so high. Can't the government do something about... I've got it! TARP! Oh, wait... that was George Bush, the source of all human misery according to Democrats. Man I miss that guy. I'm repeating myself. Man, I'm not well?
Let's talk about the Constitution. We should show how the President freed us from the enslavement brought on by that document. Thank goodness he specialized in Constitutional law. Now we don't need to pay any attention to our freedoms. He'll do that for us. He's even gone so far as to take on the burden of rewriting the laws passed by Congress. They sure could use the help. The President can simply write the laws he knows the legislature would pass if only they weren't so confused. And don't get me started on the commerce clause! OK, get me started.
Why just the other day, I was saying to my wife, "Sugar Dumpling! How come we don't participate in interstate commerce and buy us up some health care!" (That's my Southernese kickin' in)
" 'cause, we already are you Pierce Broslin lookin' man, you", she replied.
"Huh, Pork Chop?" was my typically articulate male response.
"According to the President, My Gentle Casanova (I put this in to creep out my kids), when you don't buy stuff you are affecting buying stuff."
"Well, Sugar Cube, how about not going to the supermarket and not get us some Mountain Dew and pork rinds."
"I got a better idea, Thor of Mine, how 'bout we get everybody to stop goin' to the supermarket. That way, food will become free. Then I'll stock up on chicken breasts and filet mignon and we'll go on the Atkins diet."
That's why I married her. She always was smarter than me. Thanks to the President, I can finally balance my budget just like he balances the government's budget.
Anyone who can promote such domestic bliss in our lives deserves to be taken seriously; as seriously as a heart attack.
John Colbert/host
http://www.colbertradio.com
Well, if you liked Part 1 I think you'll love Part 2. If you hated Part 1 you sure as hell aren't reading this so what does it matter. Hey everybody! We weeded out the humorless. Now we can enjoy ourselves. Part 3 next.
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