Welcome to Planet Earth!
Introduction
Planet Earth is a relatively small M-class planet, capable of supporting life for a variety of species, mostly carbon-based life forms. The dominant species is a humanoid called, Homo sapiens, numbering 7 billion individuals. Homo sapiens are a relatively primitive race of hominids, which are divided by political, cultural, religious, and linguistic boundaries. There are 196 political regions, called "countries". There countless cultures. There are 5 main religions (Hindu, Islam, Judaism, and Christendom), each with countless offshoots and sects. Atheism is growing, but it is still relatively new. There are over 6800 spoken languages on Planet Earth, with English being the lingua franca.
The climate of Planet Earth is mild. The average temperature is 287 degrees Kelvin (14 degrees Centigrade or 57 degrees Fahrenheit). Humidity can range from 0 percent to 100 percent.
Dining on Planet Earth
Are you Hungary for some good food? Try the New Delhi! Or, you can Rome around Italy and get a Pisa pizza while you're at it. Then, hop on over to the Philippines for a Manila shake. When life gets you down in the Pittsburg, try a Hamburg. No, on second thought, why have a Hamburg, when you can have a Salzburg Steak?! In Vietnam, the pollution may Hanoi you, but the noodles are to die Pho.
Shopping on Planet Earth
Need some new clothes? Try Kashmir. You may wish to take some souvenirs back home with you. You can get some China, but be careful not to be Peijing too much. If you feel that you have been Egpyt out of your money, don't Cairo over spilt milk.
The Arts
Is your spirit crying out for some good music? Try either Seoul or the Cape of Good Horn. Then, there are Puget Sound, Plymouth Sound, Marlborough Sound, the Great Sound, and the Broad Sound.
Getting Around Planet Earth
Travelling by automobile is the easiest way to get around. If you chose to travel by car and need a lube, try Greece. Please only park your space craft in an appropriately sized park, and please keep them cloaked.
Earth Culture
If you fly to Holland, you should know that you'll have to go Dutch. And, not far from there you can have a Copenhagen and leave your Denmark in the snow. Earthly customs may take a bit of getting used to, but the Earthlings have a saying: "When in Rome, do as Romans do."
Places to Go; Things to See
Have a Wale of a time in SwanSEA! And, afterward you should be 'Edinburough dee 'ighlands, mee lad. If you Canberra week of pure delight, try a visit to Australia, but be careful in the Outback or you might not be coming back. It remains to B.C.n, but if you can manoeuvre from Vancouver to Nova Scotia by local air-flight, you Can-ad-a lot of frequent flier miles Ontario your belt. And, Waikiki when you can watch Helsinki?
Recreation on Planet Earth
If you like to go bar-hopping, there are Barcelona in Spain. Plus, you can siesta all day and fiesta all night! If you enjoy sports, you may wish to play baseball. So, MonGOl over to UlaanBAATAR. But, take it steppe by steppe, so you don't yurt yourself. Please don't ask me about what you can do in Bangkok, because I won't even go there. For relaxation, the beaches are Nice along the French Riviera. And, if you like Karaoke, try Singapore.
Earth's Wildlife
If you want to see the wildlife, then Russian over to see the VladivoSTOCK of MosCOWs. However, watch out for the Lyons, the Tigris, and bears on planet Earth. If a dog won't do, perhaps a Kathmandu. If your Kuala has a Lumpur in his throat, perhaps he should Malay around a bit. Finally, please don't feed the humans, you might make them sick.
A Word of Caution to Earth Travellers
You'd better keep your temper in IRE-land if you don't want to be Dublin over. And, be GOOD in IslamaBAD, because everyone and their dog is Pakin', Stan! Finally, Venice time to be gondola, please Czech your bags to make sure you haven't Prague-ot anything.
Medical Treatment
Please understand that the medial facilities on earth are in their infancy. The pharmaceutical powers that be are stifling the progression of the medical profession, because doctors listen to the pharmaceutical industry. The pharmaceutical industry, nicknamed "Big Pharma", wants to make money and it does so by simply treating the symptoms rather than looking for cures. The cures that do exist are reserved for the rich, who can afford them. Therefore, curable disease is rampant on planet Earth. Make sure you have all your vaccinations before coming to planet Earth.
Passports and Visas
The dominant species, Homo sapiens, are so primitive that you can pass by their defences undetected by blocking radar and using cloaking technology. Therefore, you don't need a passport or visa. Just bring your cloaked space ship slowly into the Earth's biosphere and park in a park.
Blending In
You will want to "blend in" with the natives. Homo sapiens are extremely gullible and believe the lies told by their governments that off-world intelligent life doesn't exist. If you go around with big bulbous heads and grey gossamer bodies, you might scare the locals and incur some antagonism. Therefore, it is advisable to wear a disguise and dress like the natives. Humans tend to shoot first and ask questions later, that is if you survive the shooting.
There is one day of the year when you don't have to wear a disguise: Halloween! Halloween is a giant come-as-you-are party. Halloween occurs every October 31st by Homo sapiens' calendar, which is about mid-autumn in the northern hemisphere.
The Local Lingo
If you don't want to learn the local lingo, it's not a big problem. Nobody will be surprised, as they will suspect you are from a foreign political/cultural realm. Here are some suggestions. English appears to be the internationally accepted lingua franca. Therefore, it is recommended that you at least learn some survival English in order to communicate. The international greeting is "Hello, How are you?" with many different variants, like, "How's it going?" "How are you doing?" "How ya' going?" "How's life?" and "How have you been?" To answer the greeting, you must say, "I'm fine, thank you; and you?" Even if you are not fine. For shopping, you will either need to know numbers or carry around a device that humans call a calculator. Just ask, "How much is it?" and hand the calculator to the merchant. The merchant will then use the calculator to indicate the price.
Currency
There are as many currencies as there are political regions. This makes things difficult for visitors to Planet Earth. All their currencies are fiat currencies not backed by anything physical. The exchange rates change daily, as the various powers-that-be manipulate the markets in their favour. While most Homo Sapiens are harmless, greed is rampant. Theft is higher in the more impoverished regions, so watch your bags!
You cannot purchase items with gold or diamonds like we aliens do. You must first take your gold or diamonds to a jeweller and sell them for the local currency. Good luck with that.
Advice
When travelling on Earth, please understand that while most Homo sapiens are mostly harmless, there are a few bad apples in places like the Big Apple. Be vigilant. Don't be too trusting of strangers. As one of the humans' greatest teachers once said, "Be wise as serpents, but harmless as doves." Of course, then they killed him.
Leon Priz is a professional, full-time teacher of English who works part-time as a writer both as a free-lance journalist and content-submitter for Perpetual Technology Group.
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