Public Transport Rules For Jerks

1. Be stinky!

Every bus, every subway train and every tram needs a stinking person. Otherwise, people could breathe in fresh air, and you know you can't let that happen! If you recently had a shower, don't panic, there are some secret methods to make you stink. Open your fridge and take out the tuna salad that Uncle Charlie left there back in 2009. Rub it in your hair. Perfect. Now go outside and roll in homeless people's beds. You can have a short nap if you want to. After that you are good to go.

2. Be loud!

You have to reach out to people far away from you. Even the old lady in the farthest corner of the vehicle has to know that you're there. There are several options to achieve this. First of all, you can play some terrible music from your smartphone at top volume. Don't even think of Vivaldi here, you will need something as awful as the sound when my hard drive full of Irish-Spanish multilingual dubstep crashed in the middle of the playlist. If you don't have a smartphone, you can mutter to yourself frantically, possibly in a language that no one has ever heard of. Every now and then, burst out into a shout at thin air. This will make everyone confused. Finally, you can sing a popular song with bad English and thrum on the seats.

3. Obstruct people's way whenever you can!

When you try to get on the bus, never wait for passengers to get off first. This would make the whole thing organized and easy. In the very moment that the door opens, squeeze yourself in the crowd and push as many people as you can. When you got on, stay right where you are and never stand clear of the doorway. Don't even think of moving on to the inner areas where there's plenty of space! However, if you decide to take a seat, make sure one of your legs is stretched out and still in the way. You can also use some bags to maximize your potential.

4. Remember the classic ways!

Now that you know the basic principles, you can move on to more advanced techniques:

Read people's newspapers over their shoulder. Make comments.Put your feet on the seats.Sit next to someone and have a long and loud conversation on your mobile.Hold the transport up by arguing with the driver about the fare.Sneeze on people.Break chewing gum noise world record.Teach your kids all this and take them with you.

Now you have all the necessary knowledge to be annoying on public transit. Go and try it yourself!

Samuel B. Brown,
Webmaster of stonedlizard.com